My penis is going to get me in trouble
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE DEBAUCHERY, DON'T READ THIS POST.Thanks,
Management
My friend moved back from out of state and this was the first time I had seen him in about ten years, so we got together with another friend and hit the saloon. "How long has it been since the three of us hung out together? Over ten years?" asked Mr. Outofstate. "Yup, about that long," answered Mr. Otherfriend.
We told Outofstate that we would give him $500 if he could pick up the woman working behind the bar. I told him that she was a friend of mine and that I know for sure that she doesn't cheat on her boyfriend. He didn't care, he just wanted to practice his game on her because he is married and hasn't cheated on his woman ... which was a major surprise to me. He tried and tried all night, but he wasn't getting anywhere. Her, being the sweetheart that she is, just played nice and acted like she didn't know what he was up to.
As the night was winding down and we were well drunk, a very petite young lady walked up to me and exclaimed, "You're hot!" I smiled at her and said, "You're hot, too." She sat there smiling at me for a few seconds and then said, "I'm from West Virginia" and again told me what she thought about me. I asked her if she wanted to go to another friend of mine's house and fuck. That's right, I used the word fuck. She seemed to like that word a lot because she said it sounded like a plan, but she had to go tell her brother and her "cousin" that she was going to smoke some weed with me in the alley. I said, "OK, meet me in the alley across the street in a couple minutes."
I was standing in the alleyway pissing on some SUV's bumper waiting for her with my two friends and one of them said, "She isn't coming over. She just ran away from her brother across the street." I laughed and said, "She'll be here in a minute." They said they didn't think so and left. I zipped up my pants and there she was ... all 81.3 lbs. of her.
"Let's go," she said, so off we went. We walked down the street as we were holding each other's butts and what not and I thought, it's true, Earth girls are easy.
When we got to my friend's house, he was sitting there with two of our friends playing wrestling on the PS2. We kissed for a minute and then I asked her if she wanted to go in the bedroom and "talk." Didn't you know it, she did want to go in the bedroom.
"Take off your pants and I'll take off mine." Simple enough, so that's what we did. As we were going at it, she, of course, started to howl and stuff. "Yeah, Cai, bang that hoe," yelled Petey, my most obnoxious friend whose bed we were in. After about ten minutes she made me stop because it hurt and she "was in a hurry to get back." She agreed to finish me off with her hand ... that is, until Petey came knocking on the door. "Can I come in?" No was the answer, but he came in anyway. We jumped up and started to get dressed when he said to her, "You don't have any titties, do you?" She said no she didn't as Petey grabbed her wife beater and pulled it to the side for closer examination. "What the fuck, Petey, you are the biggest cockblocker in the world." He started to grab his junk like he was going to get some and I searched for her sweater for her.
She left as I took a piss and then Petey asked me if I would buy him a drink at the bar. "Sure, even though I hate you right now."
Well, when we get back to the bar, she comes walking in a minute later to make it look like she was out smoking weed with me. She asked me to buy her a shot and I said that was no problem. "What do you want a shot of?" She said, "Umm, whatever. I don't know." I bought myself a beer and her a shot of Jager and watched her slam it down. I left her sitting at the table and went to the men's room. Petey was sitting at the bar while I was taking a piss and when I came back, he told me that the dude wasn't her cousin, it was her boyfriend. "Let's get out of here, Cai, if I beat up any more people in this bar, they will ban me for sure." Fuck it. I went home and went to bed.
posted by Caiaphas @ 7:56 PM
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